What You Should Do In Mall

 

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond. 
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3. Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big. 
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5. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock. 
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7. Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents. 
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9. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!" 
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11. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles. 
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13. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable. 
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15. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen... 
16.  
17. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're "astronaut food". 
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19. Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from Dianetics. 
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21. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I. 
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23. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?" 
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25. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Snears. 
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27. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning. 
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29. Test mattresses in your pajamas. 
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31. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels. 
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33. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side. 
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35. Sprint up the down escalator. 
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37. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture". 
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39. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish. 
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41. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda. 
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43. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone. 
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45. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them. 
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47. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner. 
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49. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist. 
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51. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke. 
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53. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens. 
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55. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard. 
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57. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..."
58. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps. 
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60. Play the tuba for change. 
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62. Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My Hotrod". 
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64. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers. 
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66. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will "give you a really wicked buzz". 
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68. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap made out of straw". 
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70. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display. 
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72. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts. 
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74. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it. 
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76. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets. 
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78. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one flattop!" 
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80. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof". 
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82. "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises. 
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84. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down. 
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86. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real. 
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88. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap. 
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90. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's." 
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92. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself. 
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94. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed. 
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96. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man." 
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98. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet. http://www.joke-archives.com/